My husband and I split up two years ago because he drank and took drugs. My boyfriend has just asked me to live with him, and I'm certainly going to. But it means leaving my children, 20 and 15 - the elder one wouldn't go with me and the younger one's got GCSE's. So I've asked my ex to move in with them - I've even offered to pay all the bills. Am I being selfish in thinking of myself for a change?

Susan advises
It's very rare that I tell a reader that they are being selfish. But because you ask me the question direct, in your case I'm going to make an exception.

Let me be blunt. If your kids were 25 and 23 then they would be perfectly able to cope alone. But one of them is 15, in the middle of vital exams, and emotionally not nearly at the point of being ready to lose contact with Mum - particularly not following the departure of his Dad.

But, you say, Dad is coming back. Dad will take the brunt of childcare and everything will be ok. Excuse me? Dad is the same man who you quite rightly dumped two years ago because of his drug and alcohol problem - and yet you're considering leaving him in charge of your two children. Paying the bills is not sufficient here.

How long? Three years minimum, I would say. In the meantime, there are lots of ways round this. Take the 15 year old with you. Move your lover into the house. Or simply bite the bullet and hang in there until your responsibilities as a mother are over. After that, you'll have the rest of your life to focus on you.